


Re: Drunken if (An AI made parody)

by The_Appa_Man



Category: Re:ゼロから始める異世界生活 | Re:Zero Starting Life in Another World (Anime)
Genre: Blood and Gore, Crack, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Humor, More uploads later, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:34:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29284611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Appa_Man/pseuds/The_Appa_Man
Summary: Cross post from fanfiction. A crack fic made with AI dungeon, inspired by agony if. Hope y'all like it.
Relationships: Emilia/Natsuki Subaru
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	1. Murdering The Dragon

**Chapter 1: Murdering The Dragon**

Natsuki Subaru is a knight living in the kingdom of Lugunica. He has a steel longsword and a wooden shield.

He is on a quest to defeat the evil dragon of Lugunica who calls himself the saviour. He heard that the dragon lives up at the north of the kingdom.

Subaru set on the path to defeat him and walked into a dark forest. As he enters the forest, he sees the dragon flying above him.

It begins to fire a volley of arrows at Subaru. Subaru ducks quickly, but not before a few sharp arrows hit his shield.

He decides to run away from the dragon. If he can outrun him, the dragon will lose interest in chasing him.

He makes a break for it through the forest, running as fast as he could.

He yells at the top of his lungs, hoping someone from the human villages will hear and come to his aid.

Subaru notices that the dragon has slowed down a bit, but still continues to chase him.

Subaru casts a spell. "Turn into an anime waifu", he yells at the dragon.

The dragon turns into a hot anime waifu, and then back to a dragon. Then he breathes fire at Subaru.

Subaru breathes water at the dragon's fire, putting it out before it gets to him.

He then proceed to punch the dragon in the face, draining his health down to practically nothing.

"Die", he yells.

The dragon, defeated, sputters and sways.

A catgirl appears and becomes Subaru's slave.

Congratulations, you just beat an easy game. Next up is a game that requires some thinking.

Okay, let's try this again

Subaru begins to think of a location. He thinks of his high school. He thinks of his old house. He thinks of his home. He thinks of the nearby villages and towns.

He says "I am feeling horny" and casts a spell.

Subaru feels a surge of energy run through his body. He feels the blood in his member start to get harder.

He starts looking for someone to help him release.

He sees a young woman, looking to be in your late teens or early twenties. She has long, wild black hair and fair skin.

He immediately know that her large breasts are fake.

He laughs.

The woman looks at him angrily.

"I'm only here to help you."

The woman realizes her mistake.

"Oh. Sorry, sir."

He says ok.

The woman begins to touch herself.

"I'm horny, sir. Can you help me?"

"Sir? This girl is way out of my league", he thinks.

A pink haired oni called Ram appears out of nowhere.

"Sir, we're getting out of here. Let's go."

"Let's wait for a while, there might be more fun to be had."

Subaru looks at the harlot.

Ram joins the harlot in undressing, until they're both naked. Ram covers herself, as she instinctively knows that Subaru finds her attractive and he'd have trouble keeping his eyes off her for the right reasons.

Subaru grabs Ram's hand, and she attaches herself to him.

"I want to have fun, Sir."

The vision of purity and innocence that is Ram gets closer to him. Subaru feels a surge of energy.

Suddenly, Subaru remembers that he needs to save his virginity for Emilia.

The purity of Ram's soul and her wish to serve him outways his growing feelings for her, and she begins to wither.

"Please, Sir. I want to help you."

"You already are."

He stops Ram because he can't break Emilia's trust.

He holds back, and gently pushes Ram out of the way so he can get to Emilia. Subaru explains to her that he want to have fun and have a good time, but despite his advances, she refuses.

Subaru feels the energy drain away from his body.

"I wanted to have fun, but she wouldn't let me", Subaru says.

"But you did have fun, right?"

"Yeah."

The dragon revives. Subaru readies himself for the encounter.

"You should have had fun. That's all that really matters", the dragon says.

Soon, the dragon breathes fire at him. Subaru manages to dodge it and breathe fire back.

Reinhard comes in to help, but is killed as well, despite his training with the king.

The three of them, Subaru, Emilia and Ram, continue to fight the dragon.

Reinhard is revived because of his Divine Protection of Condoms.

Subaru has an idea.

He tears of Reinhard's dick and uses it as a sword.

"Ha Ha Ha! Look at you trying to be all tough with the dicks and balls!", the dragon laughs.

Subaru throws Reinhard's Divine cum at the dragon. It spews from his mouth and the dragon begins to burn up.

It melts to dust and Reinhard calls it a victory. Subaru gives him his dick back and laughs.

**End of chapter 1.**

**Note: I'll try to update when I can.**


	2. I Am Going To Save You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cross post from fanfiction. A crack fic made with AI dungeon, inspired by agony if. Hope y'all like it.

**PREVIOUSLY ON RE: DRUNKEN IF:**

**Natsuki Subaru was a valiant knight who after many struggles, had finally defeated the evil dragon using... A certain sword, YES.**

**Now continues the journey of our hero, as he returns back to the place were the love of his life lived.**

* * *

**Chapter 2: I Am Going To Save You**

* * *

After killing the dragon, Subaru is taken to Emilia's castle where finds a gay catboy called felix. He is happy to see him, and Subaru had a nice evening with him.

* Next morning *

Subaru wakes up next to the catboy, Félix. He's a little tired, but not bad. He decides to go find his sister and her friends.

He found his sister whose name is Rem.

Subaru walks into the bar, and takes a seat. His sister sits with a bunch of other people whom he knows. He also notices his mother sitting with some rich guy.

Subaru cannot tolerate the fact that his mother is cheating with his father.

He takes out his sword and cuts the rich guys head.

As he is about to put his sword back, he is stopped by the bouncer.

"Not allowed in with a weapon, no matter how small."

Subaru puts away his sword, and gets angry.

He takes his mother and sister with him.

He walks away with his mother and sister, and gets angry on them.

"Why were you sitting with rich guys while I was suffering?"

"Go home now, both of you" he says.

Subaru's mother looks shocked.

"What? I was sitting with my friends! What are you doing here?"

He grabs his mother by the hand and drags her out of the bar.

"Stop ntr-ing my dad"

His mother grabs his arms, and stops him. She calls over the bartender.

"Hey, you need to do something! This guy's harassing me!"

The bartender walks over, scratching his head.

Rem kills the bartender.

"Dude, did you really kill that bartender?"

"Yeah, no."

The bartender isn't dead, but he's disoriented. Subaru drags him outside and splits his head open.

His mom apologizes and goes home. He takes his sister, Rem, with him and goes to Emilia's castle.

"Thanks for saving me sis!"

"Don't mention it."

* * *

After a while, walking in the castle, Subaru sees his sister preparing for her bra-fitting.

He closes his eyes and looks away.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he yells.

"I'm just going to try on some of these bras. Apologies."

Subaru pulls out his phone and turns on the local news.

There is no good news, so he decides to go and meet with felix, the catboy.

"I'm here, what news do you have for me?"

"Well..."

The news describes the murder of King Reginald and how it is the start of a period of... something.

Subaru says "Then we will make Emilia the ruler"

"Good idea. I will call my people, they will soon surround the castle."

Felix puts his phone away.

"So how was your day?"

"I killed the dragon with Reinhard's divine cum" says Subaru.

Félix laughs

"Ha ha! No way, that's a myth!"

Subaru explains the situation to him. He thinks for a moment.

"Anyways, where is Emilia" Subaru asks.

"I'll take you there. She's in her garden, as she always is in the afternoon."

"But it's sunset now..."

"Sunrise sunset here is early, she does not sleep."

"Ok" says Subaru.

Subaru and Félix go to the garden. The garden is dark and creepy, with statues looking down at them. While walking through it, Félix explains its history.

They see Emilia talking with spirits and ghosts. Subaru walks closer.

"I thought you'd be at the castle dicking around on your phone." he says, but suddenly...

A dark cloud appears overhead, and a bolt of lightning flashes, illuminating the garden.

Subaru shields Emilia.

He raises his hands up to protect his eyes, and the bolt of lightning hits another bolt of lightning in the middle, causing it to explode.

Subaru takes Emilia's hand and run back into the castle, leaving the gay catboy to die.

He also drags his sister along as he runs through the castle and out the front gate. They get to the car park, but cannot find the "best" car.

"Patrasche" Subaru calls out.

Patrasche appears.

"Ah, there you are!"

"Where's the car?" asks Emila.

Subaru points to Patrasche.

"You don't want to steal that one."

They look around.

Subaru, Emilia, and Rem, ride Patrasche, the car, and escape from the lightning storm.

They arrive at a safe location, and from there Subaru decides what to do. He has killed a dragon.

His mother will be proud of this feat. His sister will be in awe.

He say "Emilia, you will have to become the ruler"

"Yeah. Let's do it." Emilia says back.

"Let's do it."

Rem congratulates them, as Emilia and Subaru hold hands and embrace in a loving kiss.

"Fuck yeah, sis!"

* * *

The next day, Subaru goes out and buy a crown. He takes it to the castle, and presents it to Emilia.

Emilia looks at it, laughs, and then puts it on.

Emilia is the ruler now and Subaru are her knight in shining armor, as it were.

The next days are the happiest of his life. He sees amazing sights, rides the greatest steed, and goes on amazing adventures. Subaru falls in love.

His sister, Rem, comes back from the shop with some delicious looking donuts. He grabs one and hands the bag to her.

"Here, you deserve these." Subaru says.

"Thanks, I needed them."

He eats the donuts with Rem and Emilia.

The donut is delicious, but getting fresh with a human girl while on donuts is a bad idea. But Emilia is not a human girl...

Subaru remembers that Emilia is a half elf and that they are known for their lust.

He calls her over.

"Emilia."

"Yes."

"I'm going to fuck you."

"Okay."

Subaru fucks Emilia.

Later, the two of them embrace in the grass.

"Do you want to fuck again?"

"Yeah, why not."

She smile and nods.

* * *

They next few days are spent happily, until...

Subaru gets a message which says that Petelgeuse, the archbishop of sloth, has attacked the kingdom. He is renowned for his incredible sloth and the fact that he does nothing to prevent the destruction of the environment.

Subaru decides to fight Petelgeuse and kill him to save Emilia.

He and his sister set off to fight him. Riding on Patrasche, who has made her way to the battlefield, Subaru draws his sword. The sword made from the dragon's ashes provides him with magical powers.

His sister, Rem, uses Ice magic on Petelgeuse, freezing him in a block of ice.

"Fuck yeah!"

Subaru slices his sword, cutting through the ice and Petelgeuse. He then step on him, crushing him to death. Or that was what he thought...

Petelguese possesses his finger and attacks him with his invisible hands . Subaru tries to hit him with his sword, but he disappears.

Subaru creates a fireball in his hand and throws it at Petelgeuse, but he disappears again. Subaru searches for him, but can't see him.

"Show yourself, coward" he says.

He slashs at the air repeatedly. He hears a slithering laugh.

"You sure are confident for a fragile man." says Petelgeuse.

Petelguese then grabs Rem and plays twister with her. Subaru's sister, Rem, dies from the flailing. He feels something break in his heart.

He runs forward to save her, but it's too late.

The holes left from his laughter has caused brain damage and death.

Subaru screams "Petelgeuse, I'll kill you"

"You sure are full of yourself. Fine, I'll satisfy your sick obsession. Here, look at my rotting wizard corpse."

Subaru tries to use his magic, but he can't concentrate.

Petelgeuse gets away with the victory.

* * *

Subaru does not wants to go to war any more, he feels like he doesn't need to continue to fight for the throne. He has no energy anymore, what's the point?

Suddenly. he remembers Emilia. His beloved.

He wants to see her, so Subaru decides to travel to the castle.

He visits Emilia and finds that Petelgeuse is about to kill her. He tries to save her, but he's too late.

His heart breaks into a million pieces as he watches his one and only girlfriend die in front of him.

He has had enough. He summons Reinhard and asks him to kill Petelgeuse. Reinhard says he can't do it, as Petelgeuse gave him some money as loan.

Subaru kills Reinhard and tears his dick again to use it as a sword against Petelgeuse. Subaru then smashes the dick into his skull with the hilt of said dick.

Petelguese dies and Reinhard is revived because of his divine protection of condoms.

He joins Subaru in killing the evil bastard as he won't have to repay the loan anymore.

Petelguese goes invisible again. Subaru cannnot see him but Reinhard can, because of his Divine Protection of infrared sensoring. He uses his Divine Protection of sharing is caring, which allows Subaru to see Petelguese too. Subaru then bonks Petelgeuse with Reinahard's dick, finally killing him.

* * *

Subaru becomes the last known master of the castle, sadly he can't enjoy it for long. The new Emperor comes into power and announces that Subaru is insane.

Subaru decides to find a way to revive Emilia, because he can't possibly live without her.

"Just wait. I am going to save you, no matter what." He says while looking at Emilia's a month old dead corpse.

So begins his journey to find a way to revive his beloved.

* * *

**NEXT CHAPTER: The Blonde Spirit And The Revival Weed.**

**Thank You for reading, More cracked shit coming up...**


	3. The Blonde Spirit And The Revival Weed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cross post from fanfiction. A crack fic made with AI dungeon, inspired by agony if. Hope y'all like it.

** PREVIOUSLY ON RE: DRUNKEN IF **

**Natsuki Subaru, the gallant night, returned after killing the dragon. After meeting with his sister, he went to the gay cat boy to ask where is Emilia. When he met with his love, they were attacked by an unknown entity. The knight escaped with his princess and his sister on 'best car', while the gay cat died. Later Emilia became queen because it sounded fun and she indulged in a lot of lewd acts with her love. That was until Petelgeuse attacked. Subaru went to fight him and... WHAT THE FUCK, EVERYBODY'S DEAD. Petelgeuse killed both Rem and Emilia. Now Subaru is on a journey to find a way to bring them back yo life, because the AI decided so.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 3: THE BLONDE SPIRIT AND THE REVIVAL WEED**

* * *

While on his journey, Subaru ran into many wonders of the world.

He saw the sandy birthday hats in a sandy ass desert, a long ass tower under which people kiss, some statue holding a lamp and book, and the leaning dick of Pisa which can't get up due to erectile disfunction.

As he continues on his journey, he sees someone on the way.

He meets a spirit loli with blonde hair and beautiful wings. She's extremely shy, but he gains her trust after offering to help her master her powers.

Soon she masters her power to use shadow magic and agrees to help Subaru whenever he summons her.

Soon afterwards, she tells him that she can fly.

Her name is Beatrice. Subaru sits on Beatrice's back and she takes him to the sky.

There, he sees a magnificent city floating in the sky.

"That's not a city, that's my home!"

He look down and realizes he is currently in the sky.

Subaru asks Beatrice where he can find the revival weed to revive Emilia and Rem, she points towards an uncharted island to the right.

"Can you take me to that island? I must find this immortality potion!"

"I'm sorry sir."

Subaru lolimances Beatrice and ask her to take him to the uncharted island to the right. She sadly tells him that she can't, as she has a long coastline that she must patrol.

"Fuck you and your immortality, I don't care about such things anyway" says Subaru.

He pulls out a sword and threatens Beatrice to take him to the island. She raises a warning, but then complies.

She doesn't feel like fighting any more, so this will have to do.

She takes him to the uncharted island and there they find a grassy field, with a cave.

Subaru walks into the cave and finds a strange plant. He crushes up the plant and mixes it with some honey. He then drinks the concoction and as it enters his stomach he feels... strangeness.

* * *

In the middle of the night, he wakes up with a massive headache and he feels incredibly weak. However, he a feels a little more energetic. What's more, he has a newfound sexual desire.

When the morning comes, Beatrice wakes him up and Subaru stumbles out of the cave.

He says "This weed shall revive Emilia".

"What about Rem?" asks Beatrice.

"Who's Rem?" asks Subaru.

"Ok." says Beatrice.

He enters the cave and sees what appears to be a sapling. He grabs it and pull out the tiny roots. This is going to require a bit of patience, but his goal is in sight.

The revival weed is made. Subaru summons Reinhard and ask him to bring Emilia's dead body. He does so.

Beatrice can't believe it, but soon Subaru notices that Emilia starts to wiggle her fingers.

"Ah... hello?" She groggily opens her eyes and sits up.

Emilia is revived and horny as hell. She falls on top of Subaru and cuddles with him.

"I'm back..."

The pair of them kiss and embrace in a passionate embrace, with his dick grinding into her belly. Eventually, you look down at her stomach.

"What the fuck is that?" Subaru asks.

Emilia blushes and turns away, but Beatrice looks over with a wry smile.

"Wrryyyyyyyy" says Reinhard. It's an after effect of killing petelgeuse.

"Oh, that? That's your child. I've been meaning to tell you, but you looked so angry at me I didn't know how." Emilia replies.

Subaru's speechless. He look at Reinhard and he's just as surprised. "Wryyyyyyyyy" he says in return.

"Your child? As in, you're pregnant? How is that even possible?" Reinhard asks.

Emilia's smile becomes sheepish.

"I guess I should tell him..."

"Tell me what?" Subaru growls, still not comfortable with this situation.

Emilia sighs and starts to explain.

"About a year ago, my husband..." She starts to say, but Subaru interrupts.

"You're married?"

"Yes, I was..." She says shyly.

"I know who you are honey. You were that fairy you rescued from the inn fire."

"Oh, so you do know who I am."

"Of course. How could anyone not know the notorious dance girl of the skies?"

Emilia shakes her head.

"What... the... how do you know that?"

"What's more infamous than having your own tales told by children and being feared by criminals?"

Emilia looks down.

"My husband died last year in a mining accident ."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that." Subaru says.

"Thank you, but it was dangerous work."

"So... you're not pregnant?" Subaru asks in an attempt to change the topic.

"No... at least I don't think so..."

"I think I should be tested..."

"If I am pregnant, it's from the time you and me did it." She says with a smile.

"What?" Subaru says in a shocked tone.

"I don't use protection." She says with a cheeky smile.

Reinhard lets out a bark of laughter. "Wryyheheyyyyyy"

"Well, that explains the child then!" Reinhard laughs.

"What? Wait! How do you know I...?" Subaru's confused.

"I can smell it on you both." says Reinhard.

Subaru groans and throws his hands up in the air.

"Great. Now she's stinking up the place."

"I didn't know you were married." Reinhard says, ignoring your complaint.

"Well, we're not now."

"I see... well, that's terrible luck for you son."

"Oh it's okay. I mean shit happens."

Beatrice walks over to Subaru.

Subaru says "I don't want to become a father right now"

"Well, you better man up son. You're going to be a dad."

His stomach drops and he feel sick. He can't be a father... He's not even ready!

Subaru uses magic and destroys the fetus in Emilia's stomach. Beatrice looks at him, shocked by what he just did.

"I'm sorry. I just... I can't be a father right now. I'm sorry." apologizes Subaru.

Emilia is sad, but she agrees, giving him a hug and telling him that she loves him. He returns the sentiment, but it doesn't do much to calm his anxiety.

Beatrice hugs Subaru tightly, and whispers in his ear.

"Get out of my island, bitch" she says, before letting go.

Subaru Emilia and Reinhard leave the island, and just like that, he's out of his misery... Sort of.

* * *

Subaru returns back to the castle with Emilia and Reinhard. When he returns, he looks for his family. Subaru wishes that they could help him, but they're just peasants after all.

He remembers that Petelgeuse had killed his sister Rem.

"Fuck, I forgot where I kept her dead body, do you know where it is?" Subaru asks Reinhard.

"Wrrryyyyyyyyyyy" replies Reinhard.

"Understandable, have a nice day" Subaru says.

He wonders if Rem had children... he hopes not. He doesn't want to have to kill them too.

Eventually, Subaru's called into the dining hall. There he finds a group of people waiting for him.

Subaru decides to go visit his mother first, to see if she's managed to recover from the shock yet. He finds her in her room, sitting in a chair by the window, talking with rich men.

He screams at her saying her daughter, Rem, just died and she is sleeping with rich men, but all she does is laugh.

He leaves and goes see if his father is up. Subaru finds him in his office, looking over maps. When he tells his father what happened, he falls to the floor.

A messenger comes telling Subaru that Emilia has been looking for him. He go see her.

"Hey, I'm here."

"You... you gotta help me!"

She's panicking, and Subaru tries to calm her down.

"What's wrong?"

"My... my baby! I'm in pain! And mine has been poisoned by that bitch Beatrice!"

Subaru reach out to touch her stomach, and she recoils from his hand.

"What the fuck? Is it still there? Subaru is shocked.

He calls for Reinhard.

"Emilia, calm down. We need to get you to the hospital." says Subaru.

"He's right." Reinhard says.

You call for Reinhard and the pair of you leave to go see the hospital.

On the way, Puck, the great spirit of fire attacks. What happens next...

**TO BE CONTINUED (PLAY JOJO S1 ED)**

* * *

**NOTE: Hey guys, just wanted to inform that the next chapter will be a bit late (Probably on 5th March). So I'll be seeing you in the next chapter. Also, this is going to be a long story. I have already made the AI outcomes of long ahead but I need to edit them. We'll be having the whale fight, Royal selection, an arc in vollachia since Subaru will be forced in the pricilla camp, satella's arrival and much more. So stay tuned.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 4: THE GIANT-ASS GOLDFISH IN THE SKY!**


End file.
